...And they just keep coming

Dictionary.com describes an insecurity as:
1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt
2. Not sure or certain; doubtful
3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady

As I get deeper and deeper into this relationship with God, I find that, ironically, I'm faced with these annoyances. An insecurity is a tricky thing to overcome. It seems like as soon as you begin to rid yourself of one, the enemy wants to bring up 4 more, kind of like acne (another common insecurity). Now the questions come. Does she notice me? Why am I so fat? Am I even good enough? Things that you never really had a problem with start to become HUGE road blocks on your walk to Christ. Soon the enemy begins to use these insecurities as reins to curve your life dangerously off course, and the next thing you know your sitting at rock bottom, even lower than you were before. This makes it seem as though trying to get over the main road block in your life is useless if the enemy is going to throw more at you as soon as you try.

This is now the scenario that I find myself facing. As I make my way over this HUGE wall, that has been there for years, I face many more annoyances. The common analogy that I use to describe my life/Christian walk is a track race, (the 400 for all those who know a thing or two about track). For the first 300m, I'm fine. Breathing right, focused on the goal. But right before I get to the last 100m, there's this HUGE brick wall. Now one of two things happen when I get to this wall. Either I'll stop and contemplate going around/over/through it but end up fearing it and turn around, or I'll just run up to it and immediately turn around and start over again. I've been doing these two things for years, but now it actually looks like I'll be able to get through this wall and reach my goal. However a new question/obstacle is introduced. Now that I'm almost through this wall, random insecurities want to show up and try to stop me from completing the last 100m. It's as if the enemy himself is in the audience throwing popcorn, candy, and any other trash item, distracting me from my goal.

Will there ever be an end? I need God to come through and help me finish my race. I need Him to act as security and eject the enemy from the stands. All I need is positivity. Not insecurity.

Facebook is NOT the place to vent.

"You learn something new everyday" is a pretty common phrase that is used by most. It usually pertains to something you learned that about a certain object, like your new remote or your iPod. It is also used when you learn something new in general like about a certain religion. Rarely is this phrase used when talking about yourself. For the most part a person knows who they are, what they like and don't like, their personality (personalities in some cases) so to use this phrase about yourself seems odd. However this happened to me today. I learned something new about myself that I'm not to proud of. When it comes to relationships and liking someone, I find myself falling too hard for them. My mind is fogged by this belief that if I like them enough everything will turn out perfect. I allow myself to fall. Not ever trying to slow myself down. But contrary to what I thought would happen, I end up getting hurt. One would think that once the potential relationship is cut off, I would just move on / get over it, but no. Because I've already invested so much into something false, its hard for me to just get over it. You learn something new everyday. I'm currently in the process of bettering myself, trying to be more serious about God. In this process I've realized that it's going to take a lot of cutting of things that are holding me back. I guess I can add this to my list.

From the Past....

Distance

She’s almost gone.
The smell of her Roger & Gallet perfume still lingers around the spot where she last stood
As if not wanting to completely leave me
As I sit alone on my dull, beige porch
With only the cheerful song of the bluebirds to mock me in my state of sadness.
I know they are coming,
the unwanted thoughts, rather questions, filled with bitterness.
One question seems to stand out as if it were
Underlined, circled, and highlighted amongst
A sea of questions that cannot be answered.
Why?
Why has she been allured by the selfish intents of
Mary Lyon and Abigail Adams?
Her talk of advancements in the Movement fills my
House, drowning me, while she swims gracefully enjoying every minute of it.
As I sit there on my porch contemplating my situation, I stare at
A broken lemonade glass that lies there innocently
On the ground as a result of
My anger, which quickly
Ebbs allowing sadness to flow in and take over my thoughts.
She’s almost gone.
With the leather covered photo album
Clutched in my hand, I became overwhelmed
With thoughts of losing her.
She assures me that she loves me but,
The speed in which she left for the Seneca Falls Convention, the first ever women’s convention,
Tells me different.
She wants to be independent
This I know for sure.
Her eyes, once filled with the passion of our love
In our wedding pictures, was now replaced
With the passion of seeking independence.
She’s almost gone.
As she sinks farther and farther into the
Clutches of willful women,
Stolen from me like candy from a baby,
I sink farther and farther into an endless
Pit of loneliness.
My face becomes wet.
As the tears flow freely on my unwilling cheeks,
they came back,
the unwanted thoughts were ready to attack me again.
This time they were telling me that my relationship with my wife would never be the
Same.
She was gone.
I could no longer hear her car exhaust.
The picture of our wedding stared at me with
Taunting eyes.
It laughed at me, called me a loser, so
I ripped it in two and left it on the porch.
When she got back from her “Convention”, she wouldn’t find
Me.
I would be
Gone.

Signs.

This is a little something I wrote...
Maybe useful to someone out there...


Where do I go from here?
Crossroads. Dead End. Wrong Way.
As I travel on this unpaved road I call life, I frequently come across these same signs. STOP. Sign after sign I tell myself I ask for directions but never do. I don't need them anyways because I have my map. But my map has more holes in it than my heart. (how's that even possible?) I got this I don't need any help. But it turns out that I do. Blinking red. Is the color of my mind. Rage and fury build up but is never released. Pointless is what I think of them. Railroad tracks. Must stop. Again. Guess it doesn't matter how many times I do, I'm still a long way away. Love. Of what though? The road? The finishline? All things are blurred when you can't really see. Rain. Hmm seems fitting. Will I ever get there? Dead end. Where do I go from here?

This Blogging Thing...

Hey!
This is all new to me so here I go.
Recently I went on a Retreat with my youth group Revolution143 and during it I did this thing called Original Design. This was a time to hear what God has put me on this Earth to do and anything else that He wanted me to know about myself. One thing that my youth leader told got was: Write
I've always loved writing but I've always been to lazy to actually do it.
But I think it's time for a new start and this blog hopefully will help me out.
So with that I would like to say: Here's to a new start and a new life.