Moments. Our everyday lives are made entirely out of moments, with each moment having a different effect on you. Some moments are sheer seconds and others are 1hr and 45min conversations like the one I just had.
The conversation started with me showing my good friend, Tanya, a video of my newest crush, but I felt that it would end up being much serious than I had expected. And I was right.
Recently I've been going through so much in my life, but you wouldn't know it because all my suffering and pain is dealt with when I'm alone/in my mind. I never let anything in or out when it comes to me personally and my struggles, partly because I don't want to be judge and partly because I'm not comfortable with opening up that much. But today was different.
Before things really got serious, I secretly prayed that God change my life drastically. And boy did He answer fast. In the course of an hour and forty-five minute conversation, I gave up: Facebook, Twitter, iced tea, most of my friendships, and dancing, which was the biggest one to get rid of. Facebook and Twitter for obvious reasons. Iced tea and dancing because they remind me of Tanya, who God has told me to distance myself from due to the connection/draw I have towards her. (We've had a little history of which I have/am not able to get over) This was hard because 1. I had just fallen in LOVE with dancing and 2. me and her are best friends now, but still I know deep down that the connection I've placed on her is still there and is blocking me from breaking through/being closer to God.
And most of my friendships (temporary) because they are all with girls, mostly. And I've been really attached to the idea of relationships, almost a slave to it, and my many Female companions couldn't be helping. So off to find male friends which has always been a struggle for me. It seems like every time I talk to a guy a wall goes up. I tense up and there's a complete disconnect. So that has to change in this whole process as well.
Moments. This was a big one. New things are coming my way, just don't know how long it will take to receive them. This is where I'm at in my life and I hope to be out of this state S O O N.
(sorry if my writing seems scattered or not cohesive. You can imagine where my head is right now. :/ Until later. I'll keep you posted on the progress.)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Holes.
Well in this case there's just one hole. A giant God-sized hole. I learned something new about myself the other day while at Revolution 143 (my youth group for all who don't know). It was question and answer night regarding relationships. I've never been in one before nor did I think I would be in one anytime soon. I did have some experiences but both had been over for awhile so I knew I was going to have any questions or learn anything i needed. But I was wrong. I had not been paying attention for the majority of the time but for some reason when the next question was asked I started to pay attention. (this had to be an act of God) The question was: How do you get over someone when all you can think about is being with them? That's when I realized I hadn't really squashed one of my past experiences. Rami(youth leader that i love) answered the question. In short she said that there is this thing in "Christianese" called a God-sized hole. A God-sized hole is a hole that is inside someone that can only be filled by God and His love. Yet most people tend to fill it up with things like drugs, sex, or in my case the hope of a relationship. I have never heard of this before, but as soon as I heard it, I knew it applied to me. I never looked at my problem as having a hole inside me that I fill with things that can't in a million years fill up.
Now that I do know about it, I've decided to do all I can to continue to seek God's love and ask that His love will fill me up ten-fold. This has not gone unchallenged though. As I try to better my life I continue to be remind by the things that I really want to fill my hole up with. Even at church.
I know I can get through this. It's just the question of when?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
How Do I Do That?
"Do you."
"What?"
"Be your own person is what I mean."
"I am...i think? How do I do that?
It's fair to say that "being yourself" is a common area of life that everyone must deal with. What seems like an easy enough thing to do, is actually a wolf in sheep's clothing. One may feel/think that wearing baggy pants (or tight ones now), is something that they would consider "them", but is actually evidence of their subconscious mimicking the world around them. I put myself in the category of not always knowing what I considered to be "me" and what I considered to be "them". Most times I would mentally beat myself up over the fact that I didn't "know who I am". I put this in quotes because I don't necessarily believe in this particular phrase. #OverUsed/#Overrated. But sadly it's true. There's never anyone, nor is there going to be anyone, who will give you the specific steps on how to become a better you. The obvious reason why is because they will NEVER know who you are better than yourself. Another obstacle in the field, which deems the question of: is it worth it? All this work just to be myself? Nah, no thanks. <-- Usual thoughts that lead to massive numbers of people, rather followers who would like it more to just follow the crowd than to take the time to actually get to know themselves more.
I bring this topic up because I've been dealing with it recently, but on the positive note. Normally it's custom for me to coward before the world, never letting them see who I really am. But recently I've been changing. I DON'T CARE. Maybe due to all this time I spend with people who have been adopted this custom, their attitudes are starting to ware off on me? Or maybe (probably the real reason) the cry of my heart is being slowly, but surely, answered which is great news for me.
I leave you with this. Don't follow the crowd. The journey to who is worth it. I have to give props to Soulja Boy and his "Pretty Boy Swag" song. I was originally going to bash it in this post, but as I thought about it that song actually confirms what I'm trying to say. In it, he's definitively indicating his "Swagg" or in other words is proclaiming that this is who he is. And with a song like that I got to say I believe him.
**Remember Do You. (or at least try)
"What?"
"Be your own person is what I mean."
"I am...i think? How do I do that?
It's fair to say that "being yourself" is a common area of life that everyone must deal with. What seems like an easy enough thing to do, is actually a wolf in sheep's clothing. One may feel/think that wearing baggy pants (or tight ones now), is something that they would consider "them", but is actually evidence of their subconscious mimicking the world around them. I put myself in the category of not always knowing what I considered to be "me" and what I considered to be "them". Most times I would mentally beat myself up over the fact that I didn't "know who I am". I put this in quotes because I don't necessarily believe in this particular phrase. #OverUsed/#Overrated. But sadly it's true. There's never anyone, nor is there going to be anyone, who will give you the specific steps on how to become a better you. The obvious reason why is because they will NEVER know who you are better than yourself. Another obstacle in the field, which deems the question of: is it worth it? All this work just to be myself? Nah, no thanks. <-- Usual thoughts that lead to massive numbers of people, rather followers who would like it more to just follow the crowd than to take the time to actually get to know themselves more.
I bring this topic up because I've been dealing with it recently, but on the positive note. Normally it's custom for me to coward before the world, never letting them see who I really am. But recently I've been changing. I DON'T CARE. Maybe due to all this time I spend with people who have been adopted this custom, their attitudes are starting to ware off on me? Or maybe (probably the real reason) the cry of my heart is being slowly, but surely, answered which is great news for me.
I leave you with this. Don't follow the crowd. The journey to who is worth it. I have to give props to Soulja Boy and his "Pretty Boy Swag" song. I was originally going to bash it in this post, but as I thought about it that song actually confirms what I'm trying to say. In it, he's definitively indicating his "Swagg" or in other words is proclaiming that this is who he is. And with a song like that I got to say I believe him.
**Remember Do You. (or at least try)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Those Lights in the Sky....
AHHHH...the Fourth of July...a time of cookouts, bug spray, and love? Well to me this last one is always apart of my July 4th experience. I know I'm not only when I say "There's something about watching the fireworks that makes you want to experience it with gf/bf." Yeah yeah I know it sounds mushy/I sound maddddd desperate (which I'm not) but it's true. Alert: I'm about to sound mad girly. But there is something about fireworks that's kinda romantic. Again, I dont know how to explain it but there is. Alert #2: I'm about the to embarrass myself. One thing that I guess you can say is on my bucket list is that I wanna experience fireworks with that special someone...maybe it'll make the whole experience a little more special ya know? That;s defiantly not going to happen this year LOL but maybe Next...all i need is a girlfriend? hmmm any takers? (I'll keep you posted if anything comes up lmbo) Until then guys....happy fourth!! Not outside to see the fireworks? Me either. We can enjoy these pics though lol.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Sigh...Fashion
Well....here I go...
I don't know why this is so hard for me to admit. Actually I do, but it's way to complicated. So here I go...I like fashion. I've always been into it. For some reason though I never really wanted anyone to know about it. This mainly stems from me always caring about what others think about me. Recently though, I realized that this personality trait has hindered me way too long. It's time for me to start NOT caring.
With that, I would like to share some of the fashion I think is DOPE-TASTiC. This is called Graffiti-Couture seen in Paris Vogue.
I don't know why this is so hard for me to admit. Actually I do, but it's way to complicated. So here I go...I like fashion. I've always been into it. For some reason though I never really wanted anyone to know about it. This mainly stems from me always caring about what others think about me. Recently though, I realized that this personality trait has hindered me way too long. It's time for me to start NOT caring.
With that, I would like to share some of the fashion I think is DOPE-TASTiC. This is called Graffiti-Couture seen in Paris Vogue.
Inspiration
(props to my mentor Manny for the idea)
The biggest thing that we as a human race should give thanks to God for (aside from sending His son to die on the cross for our sins) is the gift of gifts. Through the different gifts that each of us receives, we are able to add a brush stroke of our personal paint color to the mural that is the world. Gifts provide us with a door by which we allow others to see into who we really are. However, some people leave their gifts by the waste side, never giving themselves a chance to reach their maximum potential. At one point, this was me. Ever since ever, I've always been attracted to the art form of dance. Theatrical, modern, or street, I've always had an affinity towards the different movements of the body. Fear and doubt, however, was always there to stop me from fully becoming personal with dance. Questions and excuses seemed endless when it came to reasons why I shouldn't take dance up. Until one day a friend (almost sister) of mine introduced me to dance. Thrown into it, and scared out of my mind, I hesitantly became more familiar with dance. Then, I feel in love. For years the cry of my heart was to find something that was mine. To find that one thing that I could label as my gift. My lover. Dance was my answer. With dance, one is allowed to completely express their inner emotions. The ultimate portal into the mind. Anger. Stress. Love. Faith. All are expressed through the passionate and brilliant movements of the body. A year later and the relationship continues. Had I not found dance, another gift would have been left by the waste side. A relationship would have never been found.
A Gift= the one thing you can't live without. The thing that keeps you up at night. That gives you butterflies, but of excitement. That enlightens the world as to who you are.
Food for Thought.
Inspriation for the Soul:
The biggest thing that we as a human race should give thanks to God for (aside from sending His son to die on the cross for our sins) is the gift of gifts. Through the different gifts that each of us receives, we are able to add a brush stroke of our personal paint color to the mural that is the world. Gifts provide us with a door by which we allow others to see into who we really are. However, some people leave their gifts by the waste side, never giving themselves a chance to reach their maximum potential. At one point, this was me. Ever since ever, I've always been attracted to the art form of dance. Theatrical, modern, or street, I've always had an affinity towards the different movements of the body. Fear and doubt, however, was always there to stop me from fully becoming personal with dance. Questions and excuses seemed endless when it came to reasons why I shouldn't take dance up. Until one day a friend (almost sister) of mine introduced me to dance. Thrown into it, and scared out of my mind, I hesitantly became more familiar with dance. Then, I feel in love. For years the cry of my heart was to find something that was mine. To find that one thing that I could label as my gift. My lover. Dance was my answer. With dance, one is allowed to completely express their inner emotions. The ultimate portal into the mind. Anger. Stress. Love. Faith. All are expressed through the passionate and brilliant movements of the body. A year later and the relationship continues. Had I not found dance, another gift would have been left by the waste side. A relationship would have never been found.
A Gift= the one thing you can't live without. The thing that keeps you up at night. That gives you butterflies, but of excitement. That enlightens the world as to who you are.
Food for Thought.
Inspriation for the Soul:
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)